Understanding Polyamory

Suggested Citation: Sharma, D. (2021, July 20). Understanding Polyamory. Queer Academia. URL.

“I reserve the right to love many different people at once, and to change my prince often.” ― Anaïs Nin

There isn’t an end to the seemingly long list of misconceptions that follows the concept of ‘polyamory’, so much so that many people don’t wish to express their views on this subject, and many don’t even try to learn about it. To understand why Polyamory is frowned upon in numerous cultures and societies, a basic understanding of what it actually means is needed.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, Polyamory refers to “the practice of having sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same time.” It is the practice of forming multiple relationships, that are romantic, sexual, or both in nature, wherein there is a mutual agreement between all the people involved to be together, as well as informed consent. However, this word holds slightly different meanings for different people who indulge in polyamorous relationships. For some people, it involves dating multiple people at once, and giving each of them the same status, while for others it involves having one main partner and several other partners. The main idea revolves around the concept of having more than one partner. The term associated with polyamory is “Ethical Nonmonogamy”.

If we were to look at the historical aspect of polyamory, we can see that it was practiced mainly by regal kings and princes, who had multiple marital affairs with concubines and courtesans, and in several instances, the existence of these relationships was public knowledge. In several cultures, western and eastern alike, polyamory finds its roots in the ancient practices of forming clusters of like-minded individuals, who agreed to the terms that connected them to each other.

The terms closely associated with polyamory are polygamy and polygyny. Polygamy is the practice of having multiple married partners, whereas Polygyny is a relationship wherein a man holds multiple wives and was really common and even widely practiced throughout the world, though it is outlawed in most nations today. According to research conducted by Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. in 2017, men (compared to women) were more likely to report previous engagement in consensual nonmonogamy. In Islamism, the Quran permits for a man to have up to 4 wives on the condition of treating them all equally. In Hinduism, the Vedic period laid down specific terms that were to be followed to practice polygyny. A man was allowed to have more than one wife depending on his caste. Thus, Brahmins could have up to four wives and Shudras could only get one extra wife.

“Researchers are just beginning to study the phenomenon, but the few who do estimate that openly polyamorous families in the United States number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city.” (Jessica Bennett, 2009) Even with these numbers, the existence of polyamorous people are trivialized and invalidated by society. The mental health and social status of these individuals suffer from defamation and criticism. In the past decade or so, the western cultures have become somewhat forthcoming in accepting and embracing the polyamorous identity of people, but the eastern countries are still strongly opposed to these relationships to the point where they don’t even believe in the concept of having multiple partners unless polygyny comes to play. This is just another obvious display of the patriarchal ideologies that are ever so apparent in the eastern societies, especially the masculine countries.

The misconceptions surrounding polyamory find wagons in the teachings of religious leaders and the preaching of political leaders. People claim that it takes away the important values that are required in a relationship such as trust, commitment, love, understanding, and honesty without showing any proof for these outrageous claims. It has been proved through countless researches that these claims don’t hold. These relationships also allow willing LGBT+ individuals to freely express their love and to do so with multiple partners which benefits bisexual and pansexual people among all other sexualities as well. Despite its inclusive nature, a huge chunk of the LGBT+ community doesn’t support polyamory and considers it to be a choice as opposed to sexual orientation, which is something one is born with. This further takes away the validity of polyamorous relationships.

Another issue faced by polyamorous individuals is where to draw a line between convincing and coercing their partners into entering into these partnerships. Someone who wants to pursue multiple relationships besides their primary partner, who they consider to be their soulmate will face difficulties in explaining their state of mind and their honesty and commitment to their partner. Sadly, in most cases, the other partner feels wronged and betrayed. This also is a consequence of the apathy surrounding the mental health and lifestyles of polyamorous people.

It’s clear as day that the issues that polyamorous people face are a long way from total elimination. People forget that the concept of marriage and monogamy was introduced fairly recently and that even animals have multiple sexual partners. The stigmatization of polyamory leads to miscommunication, misunderstandings, and violence that affects multiple people and families. In my personal opinion, social media as well as movies and shows, are capable of introducing a sense of normalcy around this topic. This won’t only allow for representation but also empathy for polyamorous people. Only when we become comfortable in discussing this in our societies, can we imagine gaining governmental recognition and specific rights for polyamorous people.

References

School, P. (2018, June 27). Is Polyamory More Evolved? - Polyamory School. Medium. https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/is-polyamory-more-evolved-cee6bbc79088

Sheff, V. A. P. B. D. E., Ph.D. (2012, October 24). Three Waves of Non-Monogamy: A Select History of Polyamory in the United States. Elisabeth Sheff. https://elisabethsheff.com/2012/09/09/three-waves-of-polyamory-a-select-history-of-non-monogamy/

Pulley, A. (2015, June 14). 10 times in history when polyamory was surprisingly embraced. Salon. https://www.salon.com/2015/06/14/10_times_in_history_when_polyamory_was_surprisingly_embraced_partner/

Bennett, J. (2011, July 30). Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution? Newsweek. https://www.newsweek.com/polyamory-next-sexual-revolution-82053

Cambridge Dictionary. (2021, July 14). polyamory definition: 1. the practice of having sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same. . .. Learn more. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/polyamory

Team, M. (2021, January 5). A Brief History of Non-Monogamy. Maude. https://getmaude.com/blogs/themaudern/brief-history-non-monogamy

Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of Experiences With Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships: Findings From Two National Samples of Single Americans. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 43(5), 424–440. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675